"excerpt"

EXT. DINER - DAY

A quaint, Chicago-style diner on the corner of two cross
streets. The lunch rush is just beginning to die down.

SAM (O.S.)
I think I’m dying.


EXT. DINER - PATIO - DAY

Sitting at a table on the patio is a 24 year old man,
skinny, black hair, and wearing a plain white t-shirt and
camouflage shorts. This is SAM. Across from his is ERIC, 24,
same build but dirty-blond hair, wearing Ray Bans and a
short-sleeved button shirt and jeans. Sam sits, distracted,
watching people walk by while Eric scans the menu.

ERIC
(Hearing this before)
You’re not dying.

SAM
What?

ERIC
What?

Sam glances toward Eric then quickly returns his attention
to the passerby’s.

ERIC (CONT’D)
I said you’re not dying.

Shuffling in his chair Sam shifts his attention back to
Eric. He is now focused on the conversation.

SAM
I am. Look at this.

He holds up his hand. It shakes like a tiny tremor as he
holds it over the table. Eric puts down the menu and
examines his hand. He grabs it, pulls down his sunglasses,
puts them back on, then picks up the menu again.

SAM (CONT’D)
See?

ERIC
No.

A young, dark haired waitress wearing blue jeans and a polo
style shirt approaches their table. Her name-tag says KELLY.




SAM
You didn’t just see that?

KELLY
Hi. I’m Kelly, your waitress.

ERIC
I saw it. It’s nothing.
(to Kelly)
Hi, Kelly.

SAM
You don’t know.
(to Kelly)
Hi.
(to Eric)
You don’t know anything.

Sam looks away from the table and fixes his focus across the
street. Kelly stands there, confused, but aware she’s just
walked in on something. Eric notices this.

ERIC KELLY
I apologize. No, no it’s I hope I’m not
okay. interrupting. I can come
back.


SAM (CONT’D)
It’s not okay. I’m dying.

KELLY
I’m sorry.

ERIC
You’re not dying.
(to Kelly)
He’s not dying. He’s just having an
off day.

SAM
It’s not an off day.

KELLY
People can have off days.

ERIC SAM
Thank you. It’s not an off day!


Sam, irritated, lifts his arm to show Kelly his shaking
hand.





SAM
Look.

KELLY
You’re shaking.

SAM
See? I’m not doing that.

KELLY
You’re shaking. Shaking’s not
dying.

ERIC
Thank you.

Sam shoots a looks in Eric’s direction who is now grinning
semi-victoriously. Kelly also smirks.

SAM
I’ll have the club sandwich.

Kelly is caught off-guard. Sam, not making eye contact, is
silent.

KELLY
Did you want something to drink?

SAM
No.

She makes a gesture towards Eric who makes a "sorry" face at
her.

ERIC
I’ll just have a cheeseburger and
water. Thanks.

KELLY
(awkwardly)
Okay then. Thanks.

She takes the menus from the two men and exits toward the
inside of the diner. Beat.

ERIC
You embarrass us, man.

SAM
LOOK AT THIS!

He shoves his arm right into Eric’s face. Eric grabs it and
slaps him with his own hand then removes his sunglasses.






ERIC
You’re not dying!

The outburst draws the attention of the other patrons. A
small child walking by with his mother stops and stars at
the scene. Sam takes notice.

SAM
What do you want, asshole?

The mother, unknowing, pulls her child’s arm and they cross
the street.

ERIC
Unbelievable.

Kelly returns with their drinks. She places both at the
table.

SAM ERIC
(not looking) Thanks, Kelly.
Thanks.


KELLY
Anything I can get you two while
you wait?

ERIC
I think we’re good for now. Sam?

Kelly looks at Sam who is still staring off. His oddness
intrigues her. She waits for his response, hoping he’ll look
at her.

SAM
No.

Letdown. Eric notices this.

KELLY
Alright. Your food should be here
shortly.

Kelly leaves the two men.

ERIC
She’s cute.

Sam, who is staring at an older, heavy-set woman sitting on
respondsowith:ch across the street when Eric says this






SAM
Seriously? She’s pretty beat up.
(turning to Eric)
You’re always into the weird,
messed up ones? What’s up with
that?

Eric realizes what Sam is referring to and quickly cuts him
off.

ERIC
I mean Kelly, idiot.

SAM
Who?

ERIC
(pointing to inside)
Kelly.

SAM
The waitress?

ERIC
The waitress. Kelly. Yes.

SAM
She’s kind of an asshole.

ERIC
No, she’s not.

SAM
No, yeah, she is. Thinks she knows
everything.

ERIC
Because she said you weren’t dying?

SAM
She doesn’t know my body.

ERIC
She wants to. She gave you a look
when you were off in space, staring
at strangers.

SAM
(doubtful)
That a fact?






ERIC
That’s a fact. I saw it.

SAM
Yeah, but you are wearing
sunglasses.

ERIC
And?

SAM
And you’re an idiot so-

Kelly returns carrying to plates, the guys’ food.

KELLY
(setting the food down)
Cheeseburger...and a club sandwich.

As she sets down the latter she and Sam make eye contact.

KELLY (CONT’D)
Anything else I can do for the two
of you?

ERIC SAM
I think we’re good. No, thanks.


KELLY
Alright then. Enjoy! Smiling, she
leaves.

ERIC
See?

Sam looks up from his food, acknowledging his comment, but
says nothing. They continue to eat.

CUT TO:


EXT. DINER - PATIO - LATER

The two men are wrapping up their meals. Sam sits, leaned
back, with his napkin on the plate. Eric is in the same
position. Quickly:

ERIC
I gotta use the bathroom.

He takes off. Sam sits there, unfazed. He holds out his arm.
It’s no longer shaking. Kelly suddenly approaches, chipper.




KELLY
How was it?

SAM
(hiding arm)
Good. Thanks.

KELLY
You’re not shaking anymore?

SAM
Appears so.

KELLY
At least you’re not dying anymore.
She smiles, signifying a joke.

SAM
I don’t know. Maybe.

KELLY
(smiling)
I think you’ll be just fine.

SAM
Thanks.

They exchange smiles. There’s a pause.

SAM (CONT’D)
So, I, um, I think we’re about done
here.

KELLY
Oh, okay.
(removing the check)
Here’s your check. I’ll be back
around to pick it up.

SAM
Thanks.

Kelly exits. Eric comes around right as she’s leaving. They
trade smiles and he winks at Sam as he sits down.


EXT. DINER - DAY

Sam and Eric walk out the front door of the diner and on to
the boulevard. They stroll down the street to the meter
where Eric’s car is parked.




ERIC
Listen, I’m not gonna be able to
make it to the game tonight.

SAM
What? You’re kidding me? It’s
finals. Chicago’s two wins away
from the cup and you’re gonna miss
it?

ERIC
I’ve got an interview in the
morning. Some firm downtown.

SAM
Some firm downtown? Are you even
gonna enjoy the Summer, excuse me,
the last Summer of your life?

ERIC
Hadn’t planned on it.

SAM
(unconvinced)
Hadn’t pl- great. That’s good. Blow
off the game. But if they lose
tonight man, just know it’s your
fault.

They arrive at Eric’s car, a nicer looking ’96 Camry. He
opens his door as Sam continues his rant.

SAM (CONT’D)
I hope you can live with that.

ERIC
Hey man, it was bound to happen
sooner or later.

SAM
They haven’t been to the finals in
years! You act like it’s just-

ERIC
I mean this. Growing up. College is
over. As much of a drag as it is, I
don’t want to be serving coffee the
rest of my life.

Sam stands there, letting the words sink in. Eric, getting
into his car, waves a goodbye. As he starts the car and
pulls away Sam looks across the street to see the small kid
from before, eating an ice cream cone and staring right at
him.



SAM
(to himself)
Mother fucker.


INT. BOOKSTORE - DAY

Sam walks up and down the aisles of the bookstore. He
peruses the short fiction section, followed by the graphic
novel section. In between looking at books he glances up and
around for other people, particularly other women, to notice
him. He finds a book, sits down at a table, and pretends to
read when, in actuality, he’s watching for any one girl to
glance at him.


INT. BOOKSTORE - DAY

Later: Still sitting at the table, and empty coffee cup and
magazines, Sam finally gives up and leaves.


INT. COFFEE SHOP - DAY

The afternoon. Sam stands in line at the shop, keeping one
eye on the few people sitting and drinking coffee. He spots
an attractive GIRL, a little shorter than he, with long
brown hair. He approaches the counter and gives his order.

SAM
Just a small coffee.

CUT TO:


INT. COFFEE SHOP - DAY

Sam, coffee in hand, spies an empty seat next to the girl.
She’s reading a textbook, "Assessing Market Flow". He sits
down next to her, a separate table but still close. She sees
him sit down, he smiles, and she goes back to studying.

CUT TO:


INT. CAR - NIGHT

Sam drives down the boulevard. Lights are just coming on in
preparation for the night. He is indifferent.






EXT. CAR - SAM’S APARTMENT - NIGHT

Sam parks his car. Two neighbors are out walking their dog.
He waves, then heads into the complex.


EXT. SAM’S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS

Sam approaches his apartment marked 776. The paint is
peeling on the door and the handle is rusted. He unlocks the
door and moves into-


INT. SAM’S APARTMENT - NIGHT

The living room of his one bedroom apartment. It is scarcely
decorated. A couch borders the opposite wall and a t.v. and
stand sit across from that. A sliding glass door to the
patio is a adjacent to the couch, the kitchen across from
that. Sam throws his keys down on the kitchen table and
walks into his bedroom


INT. SAM’S BEDROOM - NIGHT

Same as the living room. A bed, some clothes, and a desk
with a computer accompany empty space. On the desk are
several books, short story anthologies, and magazines. The
closet holds a few boxes of comic books. Nothing special, at
least not to any one but Sam. He sits at the desk, checking
various things online.

CUT TO:


INT. SAM’S APARTMENT - NIGHT

Later: Sam sits on the couch and watches the game, beer in
hand. A couple more bottles line his floor. Score: 3-2
Chicago.


INT. SAM’S BEDROOM - NIGHT

Sam sits at his computer desk looking at pornography. He
masturbates.






INT. SAM’S BEDROOM - NIGHT

Later: Sam changes clothes. He’s wearing a button-western
style shirt and jeans.

CUT TO:


INT. BAR - NIGHT

Sam sits on the end of the bar, drinking from a mug and
watching highlights from the game and other sports. There’s
only a few other people.

CUT TO:


INT. APARTMENT - NIGHT

Sam sits at the couch, watching "A Goofy Movie" and eating a
fudgesickle.


INT. SAM’S BEDROOM - NIGHT

Sam lies in bed. The clock at his nightstand reads 2:27. He
masturbates, falls asleep. Then:


INT. COFFEE SHOP Ð DAY

A dream. Sam sits at the table from earlier, next to the
same attractive girl from earlier. This time though, she
notices him, he smiles, she smiles back. Then:

SAM
(raising his coffee)
Hola.

ATTRACTIVE GIRL
Hi.

SAM
You’re very pretty. Did you know
that?

ATTRACTIVE GIRL
Thank you.

SAM
I like your eyes. Wanna see my
dick?





She nods eagerly. He stands up. WE FOCUS on his face as she
slides down his lower half. We hear her SLURPING as Sam
MOANS and his eyes ROLL in his head. He’s in unparalled
ecstacy, GROANING and BREATHING HEAVILY until:

SAM (CONT’D)
HYUCK!

The attractive girl stops and looks up, eyes wide. Sam is
bright red. Beads of sweat are beginning to form. He looks
back down at the girl. She’s wiping her mouth. Sam goes to
wipe his face only to find his hands resemble Disney
character hands, big, white gloves. Sam lets out a BURST of
a SCREAM. He looks back at the girl, only instead of an
attractive young girl he now sees Bobby Zimmeruski(Pauly
Shore’s character in A Goofy Movie).

BOBBY ZIMMERUSKI
(in the voice)
Groovy!

He then sprays a long pile of can cheese on Sam’s penis as
Sam watches, horrified. The character raises his eyebrows at
Sam right before SMASHING his face into the cheese.