regarding the last few months, or, an open letter to those who apologies apply to

i'm not very good at things of this sort, but that's probably already obvious. i'm not the right kind of man to be the kind of man that you may need. not now, at least. things happen. people happen. events happen. i've never been one to handle any of this or that with any sort of grace or compassion, at least not at the right levels. passivity and disregard are the tools of communication that i employ. for that i am sorry. sorry because of what this has led to. sorry because i can't handle such situations like a normal person, or, at least, like how i think a person should handle them. sorry because i never wanted to be that kind of person. sorry because i just never cared enough. and therein lies the issue. because i did care. i just couldn't express it. a fear of commiting, of admitting, of realizing that i care.

things never plan out the way you want them to or think them to. the way you see them in your head. in the theater of the subconscious. i would live there, if i could. i would function there. we would function there. and it would be, like it should have been, good.

part one

sam and i were pretty good friends. in the summer that followed what had been our 12th, and ultimately our last, year of school we took a trip to lake carlson. we wanted to hike mt. sherman. i had mentioned the idea to sam before, months prior to our adventure, while she was on holiday with her family in alaska. "the only way to start off the most epic summer ever!" i had written on plain white paper, scribbling little stick figures of the two of us atop the mountain. she came back before having the chance to write me in return. but the feeling stayed. and throughout the coming months until just recently we planned our adventure.

barry

barry got shot. down 5th street. we read it in the paper the next morning. at school word was he got between some shady people. got in over his head, as they say. had extra counselors for the grieving. i remember sean and casey being sad. most of the people were. i wasn't. couldn't figure out why. barry was dead and i couldn't care less. summers of camp. pond fishing and rock skipping. me and barry walking the riverbed. but now i couldn't muster a tear for him. couldn't shake a fist. couldn't do nothing. barry got shot. but what about me?

"i figure it's more like dreaming..."

"...slipping away for a spell. being someplace not in the current. truth be told, i'm in no hurry to be saddled with such knowledge. it's not quite priority one. no, sir. but that's not to say we don't think about it. gamble it's something most not care to admit, figure it's more of the private nature. personal. but we do it. 'cause maybe sometimes it's easier, or hastier, or something of the sort. or maybe just too mysterious to leave be. every one person has their own conviction. myself, like i said, i figure it's something like dreaming. and i stir about, keep on going, like maybe nothing really happened. but it's all up here, playing out, the way you conjure it does. but i fancy it a secret, best saved for the end."

simulacrum

cosmically, almost on a whim, we split through the crowd just behind "mccullough's" but still in front of the beach. it was wonderful. inviting and beautiful. "i want to live this forever," she said, the one roller skate squeaking under her good leg.
it was the feeling of joy. it was the feeling of relief.
of being able to sing. of being able to laugh.
of that rush at the end of a tunnel.
of that singular tear sledding down the space between your nose and your cheek.
of a never-ending roller-coaster, the clicks of the tracks the only reference in time.
of that next breath. and of that last one, too.
"i want to live this forever," i said. and the sun rushed up as if it needed to keep pace with the crashing waves. i readjusted my eye patch and took her fingers in my hand. but i hadn't realized it.

there was a change

stop.
what?
stop.
stop what?
this. you're different. you need to stop.
i don't understand.
don't be stupid. you're not the same.
i'm not the same?
no, asshole. you're not.
i don't get it.
what happened?
what do you mean?
there was a change. you stopped being you. you started being something else.
you're being ridiculous.
i'm not. i can tell. you're not the same person.
you're not making sense.
you're an act. you're a character.
you're insane.
you're too cool for yourself. you're not yourself. what happened?
i'm still myself.
no. you're not. go back to being you. go back to being you.
i don't understand.
you're doing it right now. you're someone else. it's not you. you're something else.
fuck you.
see. you're more asshole now than ever.
no i'm not.
yeah. you are. you were more fun back then. more of a goof. more of a sweetheart. more of you.
i still am.
no. you're not! are you hearing me?
are you hearing me? i'm still the same.
no...but i wish you were.

coma, coma, coma.

there are fractal planes at the edge of space, at the very tip of the hands that creation bore. wormhole fragments split into semicircle tubes, conscious pieces of past and present, locked into each other like venus flytraps. correlated, symmetrical, and perfect in shape. they speak softly, nomads and nuns, in the corners of our mouths. they tell us the truths, like nebulas on their death beds, born to pass without ever knowing purpose or pleasure. there are million, billions, currently swimming through empty black, through empty dreams - spilling into the fabrics of dark, unreachable accents. i've no longer the power, nor the desire, to unfold the mysteries of their being. at the edge of space we'll wait for their signs.