re: st. patrick's day, 2008, and the man i told you i wish i was

to whom it may concern...but mainly to audry,

Let’s face facts: this isn’t working. This- this entire…thing, whatever it really is. It’s done. And I don’t mean just us. Understand that that’s not what I’m saying. This is bigger. It’s bigger than us. For me, it’s everything. They’re not working. We’re not working and they’re not working. None of this feels like anything anymore. And I can’t keep doing this. This is the truth. This is everything I’ve ever wanted to say. It’s everything anyone’s ever wanted to say. I just want to feel something again. I haven’t felt anything with any worth for so fucking long. I’ve been waiting, and waiting, and waiting for just something to come along and make me feel. But now, fuck, now I’m just fucking tired of it. I’m tired of waiting. I’m tired of…of being scared. This is all there is and I’m so fucking terrified of it. I’m afraid of getting the wrong read, or giving the wrong look, or just feeling like I’m living in some place where eventually it all works out but, really, it never does. It never fucking does. But that’s on me. And that’s why I’m here. Because I can’t do it anymore. No one should have to. Ever. But no one has the guts to do that. Or maybe no one really cares as much as they like to think they do. Like maybe it’s all one giant façade where the only objective is to look the part enough to get by so that other people believe you well enough to not question your disinterest in them. I don’t care enough to want to know. I’m tired of presuming to know the inner workings of those I care about. Like I said, they never turn out how you expect them to. But you: I pegged you. At least I thought I did. I thought a lot of things, I guess. Now, I don’t know, now I guess I just don’t think, period. But that’s okay with me. I see that know. It’s okay. Everything, in the end, turns out okay. Because there’s no special plan, see? All there ever is is all you ever make. Of what’s around you and what’s inside you. There’s no grand secret. My whole life I’ve been waiting for the answer to some grand, unifying notion that there’s more to this then what there is. And then I woke up one morning and realized that this is it. And I’m okay with that. That’s why I’m okay with this. Because it’s not really the end. It’s just life. And if you believe it will be okay then it will be okay. You can’t go far on negativity and doubt and heartache. But can go far on hope and happiness and love. You can go all the way to the moon. But you just have to believe it. That may sound shitty and cheesy and lame as hell, but it’s the truth. And I’m trying real hard to be true here. I am. But this is all there is. So let’s be okay with that and I think that will be okay.