"You've got malaria"

"Yep," the doctor continued, "that's definitely malaria. You can tell, of course, by looking at your red blood cells underneath this magnifying thing right here." The doctor motions to a microscope sitting on the table next to the patient. 

"You mean a 'microscope'?" the patient asked, skeptic of the doctor.

"Is that what you call that thing?" he responded curiously. "Huh," he said, accepting the patients statement as fact, "I always just thought it was kind of a, I don't know, novelty item, you know? Like one of those electricity orbs where you put your hands on them and your hair stands up."

"No," the patient began, "it's nothing like that."

"Well, I always thought it was. Any who, oh yeah, about that malaria," the doctor said, placing a sample underneath the microscope. "See right there? Yeah, you got it pretty bad. Like on a scale of 1 to 10 I would say it's about an 8 and a half. Oh man, look at that one right there. That blood cell looks like it's about to explode. Like John Goodman at Kentucky Fried Chicken or something."

The patient became more worried. Not so much at the fact that he just found out that he has malaria, but more-so at the idea that this 'doctor' could even pass whatever test they make doctors pass to become legitimate physicians. 

"Where did you say you went to school?" the patient asked, "I have a son who wants to become a doctor."

"Oh, I didn't," the doctor responded. "Now, about my fee."